Remember Me
by Emozombi
Summary: We all have painful choices to make. Gustav has made his.


Gustav put down his sticks and turned the volume on his ipod up a notch. He had over five thousand songs on this device, and it was set to shuffle, so he didn't hear the same one twice for quite some time. In fact, he hadn't heard some of the songs at all since he loaded them on the little white box.

This was one of them. As soon as he heard the first notes, he recognized it, and his stomach dropped to his feet. This was _their_ song.

_Gustav finished the last bite of tiramisu and lay the spoon down on the plate with a sigh. He looked around again at the immaculately-laid table, silver sparkling, candles flickering. The fragrance of purple orchids wound around them from where they lay floating in a shallow crystal bowl._

"This was beautiful, Daniel, and so good. I can't believe you went to all this trouble."

The blonde drummer's deep brown eyes caught those of his lover, and he reached out to grasp his hand.

"You've been working so hard, and I never get to see you; I wanted to do something special, just for us. Something for you to remember." Daniel stood up, kissing Gustav's knuckles quickly, and walked over to the stereo on the other side of the suite. A familiar, slow love song began, and Daniel walked back to hold a hand out to Gustav.

"Dance with me."

Gustav took his hand and they danced. Right next to the table, they danced. Barely moving, they danced. Daniel was smiling, looking down at him as Gustav held him in his arms and took in everything about his beautiful man: the short, ebony hair that Gustav loved to run his fingers through; the sun-kissed skin, still so soft under callused fingers; the deep green of the eyes that held him so lovingly. These were the things that kept him sane on the road. Pictures were fine, but these memories, living memories, were better.

Daniel ducked his head and very softly, very tenderly, their lips met. 

He had to do something to settle his stomach. The buffet table in the green room was covered with sandwiches, snacks and candy. The drummer grabbed a handful of crackers and a bottle of water.

_"How did you get them to let you come out and play with me today?" Daniel kept pace behind him, pulling hard from his water bottle as they huffed their way to the top of the trail. The evergreens surrounding them had dropped a carpet of fragrant needles, masking the sounds of their steps. An errant breeze found it's way down through the trees and around the sweaty, grinning men, cooling them._

"I told David I had to have some time alone or I was going to blow." Gustav chuckled at the memory of the conversation, and David's face, "No one wants me to blow, I guess. It scares the twins."

Gustav was rewarded with the sound of Daniel's laugh, and he bathed in it.

When they came to a clearing just big enough to start a fire and set up the tent, they both got busy setting up camp, a companionable silence settling over them. It wasn't long before their tasks were completed and they enjoyed a simple supper, sitting close to each other near the fire. The sun set, and as they watched the silver moon rise above the trees, Gustav found himself being pulled between Daniel's legs, his back pressed against the taller man's chest. He cuddled in and wrapped himself up in his lover's strong arms.

"So, um…we've been together nine whole months now. When is it that I get to meet these twins and Georg, and everyone?" Daniel's question was hesitant. Gustav felt himself stiffen in Daniels arms. Daniel had asked before, and Gustav had kept his answer deliberately vague.

"Oh, uh..." Gustav got up, suddenly nervous, and felt the chill of the air where so much warmth had been before. He shivered a little, turned his back on Daniel and their fire, and wrapped his arms around himself. "I don't know. You know, it depends on schedules, and dates, and..."

He looked back at Daniel. "The timing isn't right."

Even the shadows and light dancing across Daniel's face didn't hide the disappointment Gustav saw there, and he mentally kicked himself for being such a coward.

"Is it just the timing, Juschtel?" Daniel's voice barely carried to where Gustav was shivering in front of the fire.

"Of course it is, Daniel. What else would it be?" Gustav didn't look at him, but started packing up the camp for the night. He threw handfuls of dirt on the fire. "Let's go to bed."

As soon as he was sure the fire was out, Gustav crawled into their tent and waited for Daniel to join him. He didn't want to think about their conversation, he just wanted to curl up with Daniel and not see another human being for the next...oh, year would be good. The weary drummer heard the flap of the tent and sighed as he felt Daniel's arm slip around him.

"I love you, Juschtel." Gustav entwined his fingers with Daniel's, bringing them up to slip a couple rough fingers between his lips. He sucked them deep into his mouth before taking them out and sliding them down his body.

"I love you, Daniel."

Gustav's stomach flipped at the memory. He absolutely could not allow himself to think of that right now. He could not go onstage hard. The twins would never let him live it down. He tried to focus on the myriad of other people in the room, anything, anyone to take his mind out of the path it was going down. He failed.

_Gustav closed his eyes and let his head fall back under the hot, pulsating water, letting all his muscles relax and turn to jelly. After several moments, he straightened up to reach for the soap, opening his eyes._

"Shit!" Daniel had slipped in the shower without making a sound and was watching him, with hands planted on opposite walls of the enclosure.

"I'm sorry, baby. You looked like you were enjoying yourself, I just couldn't disturb you." Daniel chuckled and grabbed the bar of soap. "Turn around. Hands on the wall."

Gustav did as he was told. Tanned arms snaked around his body, soapy hands running the length of his chest, over his shoulders, around his neck and back down. The drummer growled in his throat, but held himself still.

He didn't move as Daniel wrapped a lathered hand around his cock and began to stroke slowly from base to tip and back again. He didn't move as his lover knelt down, spread Gustav's ass-cheeks and began laving his tongue over his hole, teasing, poking, tormenting. He didn't even move as he felt his ass being caressed with soapy hands, and his lover's hard cock press against his crease. He didn't have any choice but to press back with a groan, though, when a slick finger penetrated his body, fucking him steadily, patiently, and another finger soon followed. And when Daniel's cock had pressed against Gustav's aching entrance, Gustav had actually whined a little and pushed himself backward to impale himself, sliding Daniel in to the hilt.

Daniel had a firm grip on Gustav's hips, moving him as he wanted him to move, and Gustav loved the lack of control. The thick column of hard flesh stroking him inside, so deep inside, made his mind go blank and his knees go weak. Daniel held him up, and they trembled together, as the water beating down on them became colder. It momentarily occurred to Gustav that they had enough heat between them to steam the bathroom themselves, and then Gustav couldn't think, he could only feel. The blonde wrapped his own hand around his erection, pumping hard and fast. He felt his orgasm coiling around his belly, growing stronger, larger, hotter, until it exploded outward to his limbs, making him scratch his short fingernails on the tiles and curl his toes into the tub.

"Jesus...so fucking tight..." Daniel groaned out between gritted teeth, and slammed his cock into Gustav for three more strokes before coming so hard, cock buried as far as it would go, that he nearly lifted the drummer up by the hips. His hot seed shot deep inside him, and Gustav felt it hit inside before seeping out around Daniel's cock to slide down the inside of the blonde's legs.

"Fuck." Gustav closed his eyes, willing his erection away. He shook his head, so full of Daniel he could practically smell him. He knew where this was going to lead. He had a show to do, and he couldn't do this to himself.

_Gustav snuggled further under Daniel's chin and pulled the blankets higher, tucking them up under his own chin. The room smelled like chinese food and sex, and now Gustav was satiated. His fingers trembled as a result of their exertions, and he ran those fingers up his lover's leg, up his chest. Daniel caught his hand and brought it to his lips, kissing it lightly, sighing._

"Juschtel. Why are we here?"

Gustav propped himself up to look at Daniel, confused. "What? We're here to be together, Daniel."

"Why are we not in the same hotel as the rest of the band?"

Gustav looked at him blankly for a moment, then rested his head on Daniel's belly.

"We're not allowed to-"

"Bullshit, Gustav. Why?"

Gustav held his breath, concentrating on the rapid heartbeat of the man, his love, beneath him.

"Because I can't tell them, Daniel." The blonde exhaled low and long. "I can't tell them for so many reasons."

He felt Daniel stiffen under him and felt him hold his own breath. "Tell me why, Gustav. Tell me why you can't tell them that you're happily, madly, in love with me."

Gustav didn't answer. Laying here with body pressed up against Daniel's, all his reasons seemed unreal, false and petty. But he knew that in the light of day, they were very real.

"Are you ashamed?" Daniel's voice broke before he cleared his throat and tried again. "Are you ashamed of us?"

"You don't understand." Gustav pulled himself away from his love, sure that he'd left pieces of himself there that he would never get back.

"Then fucking explain it to me!" The drummer jumped and grimaced at the harsh tone in Daniel's voice, never having heard it before. "I want us to be together, Juschtel, to really be together, and I'm willing to give you everything that I am and everything that I have. But I can't do it alone. I won't."

"Daniel, do you have any idea what this would do to the band? I can't have you anywhere near the girls, the fans, the photographers. They'd put two and two together in no time, and my band would be over. We'd be a joke, and we'd be over." Gustav got up, jerked his jeans on and began to pace.

"How do you know what would-" Gustav stopped pacing and brought his eyes to face the pain in Daniel's face. He crossed his arms over his chest.

"I can't. That band is my life. I cannot take that chance." He paused, looking down, mentally confirming his next words before he decided that they were exactly what he meant.

"I love you, Daniel, but I can't take that chance. Not for you, not for anyone."

He realized now that he shouldn't have eaten the crackers, and the water was just sitting in his gut. He wanted to throw up.

A lump formed in Gustav's throat as he recalled the last time he had seen the man who still owned his heart, and the last time he heard that voice, their last phone call echoed in his head.

_Gustav turned on the little light in his bunk, rubbed his eyes, and flipped open his cell, desperately trying to stop its chirping. He didn't know what country they were in, or even what time zone they were in. All he knew is it was dark and he was tired._

_"Hello?"_

No one answered, but the drummer thought he detected quiet breathing.

"Speak or I'm hanging up."

"Juschtel? Don't hang up."__

Gustav sucked his breath in hard.

"Daniel?"

"Yeah, it's me. Look, I don't want to bother you, but..."__

"No, you're not bothering me." Gustav let the breath go. "It's been a while...nearly a year, now? How've you been?"

"I'm okay." Daniel's voice was not much more than a whisper. "I wanted to tell you, in case you heard...well, I don't know how you would hear, but I wanted to tell you, just in case..."__

"You're not making much sense. Just tell me whatever it is, Daniel." Gustav smiled into the phone.

"I'm getting married, Juschtel."__

Gustav sat up quickly, feeling the blood drain from his face, and he had to struggle to keep from dropping the phone.

"What? How can ...? I thought-"

"She's a really nice girl; you'd like her. And she takes such care of me and really loves me. She..um.."__

Gustav strained to hear him.

"She reminds me a lot of you."__

Gustav felt his gut clench and pressed a hand to his belly.

"Daniel, are you sure this is what you want?"

No answer.

"Daniel?"

"No, Juschtel. It's not what I want. But it's what I have."__

"Daniel-"

"Hey, I gotta go, really. But, um, do something for me, will you?"__

Gustav could feel a sob rising in this throat.

"Yeah, what is it?"

"Remember me."__

The connection was broken, and so was Gustav.

Gustav felt a shove to his shoulder. He startled hard and ripped the ipod buds out of his ears. With wet eyes, the drummer turned to glare at Bill.

"We're on in two minutes, Gus." Bill looked at him with a question in his eyes, but Gustav shook his head, and Bill nodded and followed the rest of the guys out of the room. The intro music had finished, and Gustav could hear the crowd growing more excited.

Sighing deeply, his chest aching, he wiped his eyes with the heel of his hand. This was his life, but he would always remember Daniel.

Gustav picked up his sticks and ran toward the roar of the crowd.


End file.
